I just had the most amazing discussion with my 5 year old daughter. Kids are so insightful!
Because of all of the halloween stuff going on these days, Emily has been having trouble falling asleep. I was sitting with her again tonight on the edge of her bed and talking about how she can talk to Jesus or Mary or Elizabeth (her sister in heaven) and ask them to help her feel safe.
Now, praying to Mary or any of the Saints/saints can be a hard thing for some adults even to grasp. I hear non-Catholics say all the time that "Catholics worship Mary" because we pray to her. Or they puzzle over why we would bother to pray to Saints instead of always just to Jesus. I try and explain the misunderstanding in their statements when I hear them, but I could never do it as succinctly as my 5 year old just did to me.
She says: "I know. I can pray to Elizabeth and she will pass it on to Jesus."
YES!! That is exactly right Emily! Catholics don't believe that the saints have "power" or that Mary can answer our prayers. We believe that they simply take up our requests, kneel before the throne of God and plead with Him on our behalf. They take one for the team so-to-speak and "pass it on to Jesus." What a beautiful, powerful thing to know that we have the multitudes of the heavens ready to intercede on our behalf.
Emily, you are so brilliant!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Why I Am Catholic
Preface: This post was not written with the intent of condemning, judging or shaming any of my non-Catholic readers. It was also not written to make me appear "holier than thou" or to imply that I don't have my own sins to contend with. It was simply written to defend my beliefs and the Catholic faith. Too often I feel bowled over by others who bash the church and just felt that I wanted to "lay it all out there" for my own peace of mind. So here we go.... :)
Being a cradle Catholic (someone who was born and raised a Catholic all their life as opposed to converting to Catholicism later in life), one would think that I would never have taken the time -- or had the need -- to figure out WHY I am Catholic. But in fact, it's something that I've taken a good, hard look at a couple times in my life... and each and every time, that journey for Truth has always pointed me back to the Holy Catholic Church and has deepened my resolve for Christ's church. In the last few weeks, I've been examining my "Catholicism" again, not out of doubt or wondering as before, but out of gratitude and complete certainty in the Truth of Catholicism.
So, here are my top reasons why I am Catholic:
1. The Catholic church is solidly founded on the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know there are people out there who would disagree and say that the Catholic Church has "added" things to the earliest form of Christianity, but that's simply just not true. Yes, the church has "updated" her teachings to better expound on the original intent, but nothing has changed in terms of actual dogma. The earliest followers of Christ didn't NEED things expounded on because they simply held that they were TRUE. It was only as generations of people grew further from the life of Jesus that they started to question His teachings. Out of that, the need for further clarification grew.
2. The word Catholic means "universal". A Catholic mass here in our diocese will, except for the differences in language and local social customs, be the same as a Catholic mass held in Brazil or in France. You will never find a Catholic priest preaching that embryonic stem cell research is not OK in one location and hear a Catholic priest preaching that it IS OK in another. All Catholic churches are under one earthly authority: the Pope. (I specify "earthly" because clearly our ultimate authority is God Himself.) I don't believe this can be said for other religions. It seems to me that some pastors preach based on their OWN beliefs and interpretations of the Bible, which can vary widely from what other pastors preach based on THEIR interpretation of scripture. It all just seems confusing and to point to a subjective Truth instead of an OBjective one.
(For further clarification:
Objective – is a statement that is completely unbiased. It is not touched by the speaker’s previous experiences or tastes. It is verifiable by looking up facts or performing mathematical calculations.
Subjective – is a statement that has been colored by the character of the speaker or writer. It often has a basis in reality, but reflects the perspective through with the speaker views reality. It cannot be verified using concrete facts and figures.)
3. Being Catholic is hard and I don't always like having to "follow the rules". But that just makes it all the more True to me. The Bible states "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." So why should we expect it to be easy when God clearly tells us it's not going to be!
Going to confession is hard.
Not using artificial contraception is hard.
Going to weekly Mass with four small children is hard.
A priest not being able to marry a woman is hard.
Homosexuals who need to abstain from acting on their desires is hard.
Believing that the Eucharist is truly the body and blood of Jesus Christ is hard.
Not retaliating with hatred towards those that have hurt us or our loved ones is hard.
But I understand WHY the church teaches what she does and even though some of it may not be easy to fully grasp or easy to carry out, it is truly beautiful to live for.
4. The Catholic mass is not about feeling. I don't go to mass to feel good. (Even though, after mass I DO feel good!) :) I hear other people talk about how they left this church or that church because the pastor wasn't on fire enough, or that the reverend didn't feed their spiritual needs. But that's not the pastor's job! God Himself should set us on fire and feed our souls. We attend mass to worship Him, praise Him, receive Him body and blood and simply spend time with Him, getting to know Him. By going to church to expect to get something, to me falls short of the entire idea of why I go in the first place. It's not about the great music or the fantastic video slide show or even the homily. It's about deepening my relationship with God. That's all.
5. "The church is not a museum of saints, it is a hospital for sinners." This could never have been more true for me than during the sexual abuse scandals. As a victim of sexual abuse myself, I found it very difficult to listen to these victims tell how they were abused by priests. I was outraged. Saddened. Disillusioned. But then I realized, just because these men were priests doesn't make them perfect. Just because they happened to be Catholic, doesn't mean the entire Catholic faith is evil. This holds true for all the terrible things that have happened under the Catholic church; the church's history is not always a pretty one. But Christ's church did not do these things. PEOPLE did. And people do. And people will. But through it all, years and years from now, I am comforted by the fact that the Catholic church will still be the same as it is today. For scripture has written "And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." No matter what evils we as people commit, the Catholic church will forever remain.
In short, I guess I am Catholic because I believe it to be the fullness of Christ's Truth. The sacraments, the Eucharist, God's plan for families, all of these things were set forth by Jesus Himself when He walked this earth. These things have been passed on to us both in written form and in oral Tradition through the Popes, originating with the very first Pope, Saint Peter.
No other religion can hold to that Truth. And THAT is something worth holding on to.
Being a cradle Catholic (someone who was born and raised a Catholic all their life as opposed to converting to Catholicism later in life), one would think that I would never have taken the time -- or had the need -- to figure out WHY I am Catholic. But in fact, it's something that I've taken a good, hard look at a couple times in my life... and each and every time, that journey for Truth has always pointed me back to the Holy Catholic Church and has deepened my resolve for Christ's church. In the last few weeks, I've been examining my "Catholicism" again, not out of doubt or wondering as before, but out of gratitude and complete certainty in the Truth of Catholicism.
So, here are my top reasons why I am Catholic:
1. The Catholic church is solidly founded on the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know there are people out there who would disagree and say that the Catholic Church has "added" things to the earliest form of Christianity, but that's simply just not true. Yes, the church has "updated" her teachings to better expound on the original intent, but nothing has changed in terms of actual dogma. The earliest followers of Christ didn't NEED things expounded on because they simply held that they were TRUE. It was only as generations of people grew further from the life of Jesus that they started to question His teachings. Out of that, the need for further clarification grew.
2. The word Catholic means "universal". A Catholic mass here in our diocese will, except for the differences in language and local social customs, be the same as a Catholic mass held in Brazil or in France. You will never find a Catholic priest preaching that embryonic stem cell research is not OK in one location and hear a Catholic priest preaching that it IS OK in another. All Catholic churches are under one earthly authority: the Pope. (I specify "earthly" because clearly our ultimate authority is God Himself.) I don't believe this can be said for other religions. It seems to me that some pastors preach based on their OWN beliefs and interpretations of the Bible, which can vary widely from what other pastors preach based on THEIR interpretation of scripture. It all just seems confusing and to point to a subjective Truth instead of an OBjective one.
(For further clarification:
Objective – is a statement that is completely unbiased. It is not touched by the speaker’s previous experiences or tastes. It is verifiable by looking up facts or performing mathematical calculations.
Subjective – is a statement that has been colored by the character of the speaker or writer. It often has a basis in reality, but reflects the perspective through with the speaker views reality. It cannot be verified using concrete facts and figures.)
3. Being Catholic is hard and I don't always like having to "follow the rules". But that just makes it all the more True to me. The Bible states "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." So why should we expect it to be easy when God clearly tells us it's not going to be!
Going to confession is hard.
Not using artificial contraception is hard.
Going to weekly Mass with four small children is hard.
A priest not being able to marry a woman is hard.
Homosexuals who need to abstain from acting on their desires is hard.
Believing that the Eucharist is truly the body and blood of Jesus Christ is hard.
Not retaliating with hatred towards those that have hurt us or our loved ones is hard.
But I understand WHY the church teaches what she does and even though some of it may not be easy to fully grasp or easy to carry out, it is truly beautiful to live for.
4. The Catholic mass is not about feeling. I don't go to mass to feel good. (Even though, after mass I DO feel good!) :) I hear other people talk about how they left this church or that church because the pastor wasn't on fire enough, or that the reverend didn't feed their spiritual needs. But that's not the pastor's job! God Himself should set us on fire and feed our souls. We attend mass to worship Him, praise Him, receive Him body and blood and simply spend time with Him, getting to know Him. By going to church to expect to get something, to me falls short of the entire idea of why I go in the first place. It's not about the great music or the fantastic video slide show or even the homily. It's about deepening my relationship with God. That's all.
5. "The church is not a museum of saints, it is a hospital for sinners." This could never have been more true for me than during the sexual abuse scandals. As a victim of sexual abuse myself, I found it very difficult to listen to these victims tell how they were abused by priests. I was outraged. Saddened. Disillusioned. But then I realized, just because these men were priests doesn't make them perfect. Just because they happened to be Catholic, doesn't mean the entire Catholic faith is evil. This holds true for all the terrible things that have happened under the Catholic church; the church's history is not always a pretty one. But Christ's church did not do these things. PEOPLE did. And people do. And people will. But through it all, years and years from now, I am comforted by the fact that the Catholic church will still be the same as it is today. For scripture has written "And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." No matter what evils we as people commit, the Catholic church will forever remain.
In short, I guess I am Catholic because I believe it to be the fullness of Christ's Truth. The sacraments, the Eucharist, God's plan for families, all of these things were set forth by Jesus Himself when He walked this earth. These things have been passed on to us both in written form and in oral Tradition through the Popes, originating with the very first Pope, Saint Peter.
No other religion can hold to that Truth. And THAT is something worth holding on to.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Baby is a Gift, Never a Given
I came across this blog post from a fellow Catholic blogger and wanted to share. I thought it was so well-written and was a good reminder of how babies truly are a gift and that fertility should never be taken for granted.
What NFP Has Taught Me
What NFP Has Taught Me
Monday, September 13, 2010
Graveside Service
Last Tuesday, there was a service held at the cemetery for all unborn babies. They have this service 4 times a year and it is a truly moving experience.
Ryan was out of town for work again, so I was there by myself. My mother-in-law offered to go with me and while I am forever grateful for her offer, I declined. I thought it best to go alone because:
1. If she went, that meant my 4 kiddos would have also been in tow. I didn't know the stories of the families there, but it didn't feel right to come to a service with 4 wonderful little blessings with me if these other families have not yet had the chance to experience such a miracle. I didn't want to cause any more pain than they were already feeling.
2. I wasn't sure what my reaction was going to be. I didn't know if I was going to be hard as stone, blank-faced and resistant to whatever feelings arose, or if I was going to fall apart and be a blubbering mess. Either way, I felt it was a journey I wanted to take in private.
I do think that the other families, the chaplain, and the grief coordinator thought it strange that I came by myself. I felt alot of eyes on me throughout the service and the chaplain even asked me "Did you come by yourself?" with a sympathetic look in his eyes. But I really was OK. I was able to get lost in the service and just spend time with my baby.
The service started with a reading of a Psalm and continued with poems, another Psalm and then the sharing of our stories. The chaplain said we could share as much or as little as we wanted about our experience or nothing at all. I was too shy to even say a word.
There were fleeting seconds when I started to open my mouth to speak "My daughter's name is Elizabeth Ryan!" but I never did. I still feel guilty about that... as if I was denying her. Of course that is not the case, but I do wish I would have been brave enough to share her "life" with the others there, somehow giving it validity. I wish I would have been brave enough to tell them all how excited we were to be expecting her and how her brothers and sisters were going to love the heck out of her. I am hopeful though that in the arms of Jesus, she can look down and see right into my heart and erase all doubt about how loved she was. That is my fervent prayer.
After the sharing of stories, everyone received a purple balloon. They played the song "I'll Fly Away" and we were to release the balloon at any point that we felt moved to do so. I started crying as I was screaming inside "I don't want to let the balloon go!" For some reason, letting go of that balloon meant letting go of Elizabeth all over again. But let it go I did, right as the chorus swelled into "I'll Fly Away..." The wind grabbed that balloon and carried it high into the sky. It was really windy that day and as I stood and watched the balloon be swiftly carried away from me, I felt a brief sense of peace. I was devastatingly sad while holding the balloon, but after I let it go, I let some of my sorrow go along with it.... even for just a little while.
After everyone had let their balloons go and the song had ended, we walked over to where the babies are buried and she explained that the babies born into heaven since May would be buried later in the week. I will be going to check on her tomorrow and see if she's there. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, but I need to know the exact location of where she is, so I want to go while the grass is freshly disturbed and easy to detect. Hopefully tomorrow I will find her resting place and be able to close this chapter of our life.
Though the peace did come while we were at the cemetery, it has come back full force... I think in the anticipation of her being buried soon. I'm also thinking I would find comfort in buying a statue of Mary to put near the burial area since there used to be one, but with time and age, the statue deteriorated. I think a new one watching over our little ones would be just beautiful... after all, who knows better than Mary what it is to lose a child?
And though she endured a loss far worse than my own, I am finding solace in her strength and I know, just as she knew, that her Son will carry us through.
Ryan was out of town for work again, so I was there by myself. My mother-in-law offered to go with me and while I am forever grateful for her offer, I declined. I thought it best to go alone because:
1. If she went, that meant my 4 kiddos would have also been in tow. I didn't know the stories of the families there, but it didn't feel right to come to a service with 4 wonderful little blessings with me if these other families have not yet had the chance to experience such a miracle. I didn't want to cause any more pain than they were already feeling.
2. I wasn't sure what my reaction was going to be. I didn't know if I was going to be hard as stone, blank-faced and resistant to whatever feelings arose, or if I was going to fall apart and be a blubbering mess. Either way, I felt it was a journey I wanted to take in private.
I do think that the other families, the chaplain, and the grief coordinator thought it strange that I came by myself. I felt alot of eyes on me throughout the service and the chaplain even asked me "Did you come by yourself?" with a sympathetic look in his eyes. But I really was OK. I was able to get lost in the service and just spend time with my baby.
The service started with a reading of a Psalm and continued with poems, another Psalm and then the sharing of our stories. The chaplain said we could share as much or as little as we wanted about our experience or nothing at all. I was too shy to even say a word.
There were fleeting seconds when I started to open my mouth to speak "My daughter's name is Elizabeth Ryan!" but I never did. I still feel guilty about that... as if I was denying her. Of course that is not the case, but I do wish I would have been brave enough to share her "life" with the others there, somehow giving it validity. I wish I would have been brave enough to tell them all how excited we were to be expecting her and how her brothers and sisters were going to love the heck out of her. I am hopeful though that in the arms of Jesus, she can look down and see right into my heart and erase all doubt about how loved she was. That is my fervent prayer.
After the sharing of stories, everyone received a purple balloon. They played the song "I'll Fly Away" and we were to release the balloon at any point that we felt moved to do so. I started crying as I was screaming inside "I don't want to let the balloon go!" For some reason, letting go of that balloon meant letting go of Elizabeth all over again. But let it go I did, right as the chorus swelled into "I'll Fly Away..." The wind grabbed that balloon and carried it high into the sky. It was really windy that day and as I stood and watched the balloon be swiftly carried away from me, I felt a brief sense of peace. I was devastatingly sad while holding the balloon, but after I let it go, I let some of my sorrow go along with it.... even for just a little while.
After everyone had let their balloons go and the song had ended, we walked over to where the babies are buried and she explained that the babies born into heaven since May would be buried later in the week. I will be going to check on her tomorrow and see if she's there. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, but I need to know the exact location of where she is, so I want to go while the grass is freshly disturbed and easy to detect. Hopefully tomorrow I will find her resting place and be able to close this chapter of our life.
Though the peace did come while we were at the cemetery, it has come back full force... I think in the anticipation of her being buried soon. I'm also thinking I would find comfort in buying a statue of Mary to put near the burial area since there used to be one, but with time and age, the statue deteriorated. I think a new one watching over our little ones would be just beautiful... after all, who knows better than Mary what it is to lose a child?
And though she endured a loss far worse than my own, I am finding solace in her strength and I know, just as she knew, that her Son will carry us through.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Camera Cord, Where Are You?
I really, really hope I find the cord for my camera soon... you know, the one that hooks up to your computer so you can actually DOWNLOAD all those fabulous pictures you took?
I have pictures on my camera -- including pics from the first day of school! -- that I'm really anxious to share with everyone that I can't retrieve until I find the missing cord!!
So, everyone in unison now..... Could ya say a prayer for St. Anthony's intercession in finding my lovely cord?
I have pictures on my camera -- including pics from the first day of school! -- that I'm really anxious to share with everyone that I can't retrieve until I find the missing cord!!
So, everyone in unison now..... Could ya say a prayer for St. Anthony's intercession in finding my lovely cord?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Forts
My kids love forts. They like to make them, they like to play in them, they like to tear them down. I LOVED forts as a kid. Especially snow forts! I remember my brother and I digging out the snowbanks at the end of our driveway to get just the "right" hole and then we would sit in them for hours -- my brother in one side of the driveway and me in the other. We wouldn't even talk to each other! I'd just hunker down in my little hole and I'd stare at the sky, try to catch snowflakes on my tongue and occasionally even eat a handful of snow. (Yuck!)
Well, lately the kids have gotten the "fort bug" again. They played in one at their babysitter's house today and then again over at the neighbors house tonight. Samantha was having a hard time sleeping, so, in trying to think of a way to distract her from struggling to fall asleep, I told her that we would make a fort tomorrow and she should think about where she wants it to be, what it should look like, and how we would build it.
Well, a few minutes later, I hear both girls talking animatedly about their fort for tomorrow. I can't hear specifics, but I catch excited words here and there: big; humongous blanket; couch; no glass allowed! (???) All of this is punctuated with excited giggles and squeals. I have no idea what they are planning, but I think we've got our work cut out for us tomorrow!
But that's the thing with forts... you have the initial "work" of engineering and set up and then the destruction and putting away, but those blissful, happy hours in between..... Ahhhhhh.... I think I might start encouraging forts every day!! I might even crawl inside myself and view the world through the cracks between the blankets.
Well, lately the kids have gotten the "fort bug" again. They played in one at their babysitter's house today and then again over at the neighbors house tonight. Samantha was having a hard time sleeping, so, in trying to think of a way to distract her from struggling to fall asleep, I told her that we would make a fort tomorrow and she should think about where she wants it to be, what it should look like, and how we would build it.
Well, a few minutes later, I hear both girls talking animatedly about their fort for tomorrow. I can't hear specifics, but I catch excited words here and there: big; humongous blanket; couch; no glass allowed! (???) All of this is punctuated with excited giggles and squeals. I have no idea what they are planning, but I think we've got our work cut out for us tomorrow!
But that's the thing with forts... you have the initial "work" of engineering and set up and then the destruction and putting away, but those blissful, happy hours in between..... Ahhhhhh.... I think I might start encouraging forts every day!! I might even crawl inside myself and view the world through the cracks between the blankets.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Pick-me-ups
I just wanted everyone to know that I have been feeling much more at peace about everything as of lately. I have stopped counting how many weeks along I would be. Stopped thinking about how big the baby would be. I can even make it through the day without crying.
I have a special book that I plan to fill out for our little one and will put all the cards and mementos from her short little life in there. I know that will probably be an emotionally difficult thing to do, but it's something that I think will also continue the healing process.
So thank you all for the prayers, the emails, the extra calls and visits. It is so awesome to know that we are surrounded by so many caring, giving people that have been willing to help pick me up on the days I was down. We thank God each and everyday for all of you. May God bless you as He has surely blessed us.
I have a special book that I plan to fill out for our little one and will put all the cards and mementos from her short little life in there. I know that will probably be an emotionally difficult thing to do, but it's something that I think will also continue the healing process.
So thank you all for the prayers, the emails, the extra calls and visits. It is so awesome to know that we are surrounded by so many caring, giving people that have been willing to help pick me up on the days I was down. We thank God each and everyday for all of you. May God bless you as He has surely blessed us.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Internet Pity-Party
I'm really missing my baby right now. I keep doing a mental running list of how NOT being pregnant right now is a "good thing": No morning sickness, I can have as many cups of coffee and Cokes as I want in a day, I can easily reach my legs to shave them, I won't be as huge as a whale at Ryan's Christmas party... the list of trivial, mundane reasons goes on and on.
But none of these reasons are comforting me. At all. I would walk around with hairy legs and give up Coke for life if it meant I could have our baby back. (And those of you who know how I like my Coca-Cola know this means business.)
I had a really good day today so I'm not sure why tonight is hitting me so hard. Probably because Ryan is out of town and I have too much quiet time to think and browse the internet. I have this strange new compulsion to read as many blogs as I can about other women who have lost their babies.... many of whom who have endured losing their babies at or shortly after birth. I know this is neither good for me nor productive, but I can't help myself. I just sit and read and cry.
And I feel like I need to apologize for this blog turning into such a downer. It used to be a fun place for me to share silly things about raising a family and it has turned in to a diary for my weepy self. Maybe it's more information than people really need to know... I'm not used to showing this side of myself so openly. I like people to think of me as a strong, happy, glass-half-full kind of gal and I fear that this blog is totally ruining my image. I promise to think of happier, funny things to write about.
On that note, I just remembered I DO have a funny thing to share: (Men, if you're squeamish about women's reproductive cycles, stop here.) The other day, I took Emily to the bathroom and as she pulled down her pants, I noticed she had a band-aid laid flat and stuck to her underwear. It was placed a little "too perfectly" to have gotten there by accident so I asked her why she had a band-aid in her underpants. She sheepishly told me it was because she was pretending to be a mommy. Oh, it took every fiber of my being to not laugh right then and there. I love that girl. :)
But none of these reasons are comforting me. At all. I would walk around with hairy legs and give up Coke for life if it meant I could have our baby back. (And those of you who know how I like my Coca-Cola know this means business.)
I had a really good day today so I'm not sure why tonight is hitting me so hard. Probably because Ryan is out of town and I have too much quiet time to think and browse the internet. I have this strange new compulsion to read as many blogs as I can about other women who have lost their babies.... many of whom who have endured losing their babies at or shortly after birth. I know this is neither good for me nor productive, but I can't help myself. I just sit and read and cry.
And I feel like I need to apologize for this blog turning into such a downer. It used to be a fun place for me to share silly things about raising a family and it has turned in to a diary for my weepy self. Maybe it's more information than people really need to know... I'm not used to showing this side of myself so openly. I like people to think of me as a strong, happy, glass-half-full kind of gal and I fear that this blog is totally ruining my image. I promise to think of happier, funny things to write about.
On that note, I just remembered I DO have a funny thing to share: (Men, if you're squeamish about women's reproductive cycles, stop here.) The other day, I took Emily to the bathroom and as she pulled down her pants, I noticed she had a band-aid laid flat and stuck to her underwear. It was placed a little "too perfectly" to have gotten there by accident so I asked her why she had a band-aid in her underpants. She sheepishly told me it was because she was pretending to be a mommy. Oh, it took every fiber of my being to not laugh right then and there. I love that girl. :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A Visit
The kids and I visited the cemetery today. I'm so glad we went.
I really hadn't planned on going with them, but Samantha overheard me getting directions about where I could find the unborn babies plot in the cemetery and asked if we could go. It was 3:00 on a hot afternoon, the kids were restless, and I thought that maybe it would be comforting to all of us to visit.
Before we left, I was changing Ben's diaper and Emily came in with a handful of flowers that she wanted to give to Elizabeth. I have no idea where she got that idea, but it absolutely melted my heart. We put them in a glass of water and Emily solemnly carried them out to the car.
Once in the car, I heard Emily say, "No Mason, we're not going in the sky!" I asked Mason why he thought we were going up in the sky (already making the connection) and he answered "To see Elizabeth." I sadly explained that we don't actually get to SEE Elizabeth today, but someday we'll go to heaven to see her. He seemed disappointed and confused, the poor guy.
As we pulled in to the driveway, Samantha asked if we could say a prayer while we were there. My eyes filled with tears as I assured her we could.
As I rounded the corner, I could see the statue of an angel holding an infant that marks the area where all unborn or newborn infants are laid to rest. My heart was both filled with sadness at the reminder of why I was here, but also with peace that my baby is resting in such a beautiful place. The area is so peaceful, with a grassy field to the north and large shade trees that keep away the hot rays of the sun.
I stopped the car and the kids ran out to the angel right away. They surrounded their little arms around her in a group hug and Emily placed the flowers at her feet. We talked a little bit about Elizabeth and milled around the area, reading the small gravestones of babies who were 1 day, 4 days, 4 months old. It is so overwhelming to see how many families have been affected by the loss of a baby and to know how much sadness went with each one.
Before we left, we walked back over to the statue and we said a prayer. Emily even got down on her knees on her own accord as we prayed. I wish I would have had a camera to capture the sweetness of that moment; the kids were both so mature and so innocent at the same time.
As we were walking back to the car, Emily burst in to tears and said "I don't want to leave her!" She said she wanted to stay and visit longer. We cried together. I tried to explain to her that Elizabeth is not alone, and that we can talk to her any time we want, but she was just really missing her baby sister at that moment. I was too.
So, it was a sad visit, but I'm glad we went. I'm hoping it helped the kids put a "reality" on something that is so untouchable to them and helped in some small way to teach them about loss and who we can count on in times of loss: friends, family and an amazing God who's love and mercy conquers all.
I really hadn't planned on going with them, but Samantha overheard me getting directions about where I could find the unborn babies plot in the cemetery and asked if we could go. It was 3:00 on a hot afternoon, the kids were restless, and I thought that maybe it would be comforting to all of us to visit.
Before we left, I was changing Ben's diaper and Emily came in with a handful of flowers that she wanted to give to Elizabeth. I have no idea where she got that idea, but it absolutely melted my heart. We put them in a glass of water and Emily solemnly carried them out to the car.
Once in the car, I heard Emily say, "No Mason, we're not going in the sky!" I asked Mason why he thought we were going up in the sky (already making the connection) and he answered "To see Elizabeth." I sadly explained that we don't actually get to SEE Elizabeth today, but someday we'll go to heaven to see her. He seemed disappointed and confused, the poor guy.
As we pulled in to the driveway, Samantha asked if we could say a prayer while we were there. My eyes filled with tears as I assured her we could.
As I rounded the corner, I could see the statue of an angel holding an infant that marks the area where all unborn or newborn infants are laid to rest. My heart was both filled with sadness at the reminder of why I was here, but also with peace that my baby is resting in such a beautiful place. The area is so peaceful, with a grassy field to the north and large shade trees that keep away the hot rays of the sun.
I stopped the car and the kids ran out to the angel right away. They surrounded their little arms around her in a group hug and Emily placed the flowers at her feet. We talked a little bit about Elizabeth and milled around the area, reading the small gravestones of babies who were 1 day, 4 days, 4 months old. It is so overwhelming to see how many families have been affected by the loss of a baby and to know how much sadness went with each one.
Before we left, we walked back over to the statue and we said a prayer. Emily even got down on her knees on her own accord as we prayed. I wish I would have had a camera to capture the sweetness of that moment; the kids were both so mature and so innocent at the same time.
As we were walking back to the car, Emily burst in to tears and said "I don't want to leave her!" She said she wanted to stay and visit longer. We cried together. I tried to explain to her that Elizabeth is not alone, and that we can talk to her any time we want, but she was just really missing her baby sister at that moment. I was too.
So, it was a sad visit, but I'm glad we went. I'm hoping it helped the kids put a "reality" on something that is so untouchable to them and helped in some small way to teach them about loss and who we can count on in times of loss: friends, family and an amazing God who's love and mercy conquers all.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Poem
A friend sent me the following poem, and I just had to share it.
**Warning: Proceed with caution if Kleenex are not immediately accessible.**
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say:
“A Mother has a baby.”
This we know is true.
“But God, can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice.
“I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God.
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don’t be sad today.
I’m your baby and I’m here."
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start."
Thank you Becky. <3
**Warning: Proceed with caution if Kleenex are not immediately accessible.**
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say:
“A Mother has a baby.”
This we know is true.
“But God, can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice.
“I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God.
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don’t be sad today.
I’m your baby and I’m here."
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start."
Thank you Becky. <3
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
My Little Rays of Sunshine
After my little melancholy post last night, I've really been trying hard to find the "good" in my days. Here's just one little ray of sunshine I witnessed that I wanted to share:
The girls had been arguing. Apparently Samantha wanted to tell Emily something and Emily didn't want to listen. Samantha told Emily she was never, ever, ever going to play with her again. Ever.
Completely without my coercion, Samantha went up to Emily, apologized, said 'I love you Emily', and told her sister they should come up with a secret handshake to use after they fight. So they've been working out their moves for the last 10 minutes.
It is times like these that I need to remember when I am feeling sad and lonely. I have 4 little blessings to brighten my day, and though I'd rather have the 5th one with me too, I need to remember all the other things I am already thankful for.
The girls had been arguing. Apparently Samantha wanted to tell Emily something and Emily didn't want to listen. Samantha told Emily she was never, ever, ever going to play with her again. Ever.
Completely without my coercion, Samantha went up to Emily, apologized, said 'I love you Emily', and told her sister they should come up with a secret handshake to use after they fight. So they've been working out their moves for the last 10 minutes.
It is times like these that I need to remember when I am feeling sad and lonely. I have 4 little blessings to brighten my day, and though I'd rather have the 5th one with me too, I need to remember all the other things I am already thankful for.
Monday, June 28, 2010
BLEH
I'm just 'bleh' these days and frankly, I'm tired of the funk I'm in. I know that this is probably fairly normal, but I just cannot stand myself and my mood. I'm used to being a pretty positive person and am usually able to find the silver lining in any situation, but...... BLEH!!!
I feel like when my mind is busy and I am in "auto-pilot" mode throughout the day, I am OK. But the minute my brain gets still, all I can think about is how sad I am. And how lonely. Which is completely and utterly insane since I have not had a quiet moment to myself since the year 2003!! (OK, I exaggerate, but still.)
I think the sadness is most likely made worse by the fact that I don't think we will be trying again. I really feel like this was "it". On the one hand, I just want to quickly get pregnant again so that we can "erase" these last 3 months and pick up right where we left off. I could see some healing coming from that. But on the other hand, is that a good, moral reason to have another baby? It's not like having another baby would bring back the baby we lost.
It's just tough being in this state of "unknown". And that's the chronic planner in me coming out again. Poor God. I can just picture Him up there banging His head against a wall wondering if I am EVER going to get it. Alas, likely not.
So, for now I'm back to BLEH and gray clouds, but am hoping for partly sunny tomorrows.
I feel like when my mind is busy and I am in "auto-pilot" mode throughout the day, I am OK. But the minute my brain gets still, all I can think about is how sad I am. And how lonely. Which is completely and utterly insane since I have not had a quiet moment to myself since the year 2003!! (OK, I exaggerate, but still.)
I think the sadness is most likely made worse by the fact that I don't think we will be trying again. I really feel like this was "it". On the one hand, I just want to quickly get pregnant again so that we can "erase" these last 3 months and pick up right where we left off. I could see some healing coming from that. But on the other hand, is that a good, moral reason to have another baby? It's not like having another baby would bring back the baby we lost.
It's just tough being in this state of "unknown". And that's the chronic planner in me coming out again. Poor God. I can just picture Him up there banging His head against a wall wondering if I am EVER going to get it. Alas, likely not.
So, for now I'm back to BLEH and gray clouds, but am hoping for partly sunny tomorrows.
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's Over
Last Friday, we went in for our D&C. The procedure itself was very simple and quick; it would take a grand total of 15 minutes to be completed. It seems like something all too quick for the magnitude of what it meant.
I was awake for the procedure but given medicine that was supposed to make me forget everything. The medicine didn't work, for which I am actually very grateful. It may sound strange, but I was afraid that if I had no memory of the events, it would be like I somehow wasn't there for our baby in the final moments she was on earth.
We got into the procedure room and immediately it had an empty feel to it. Like the room itself knew what its purpose was and it was ashamed to fulfill its duties. There were no pictures of flowers on the walls or calendars to make follow-up appointments. There were no mirrors with clothes hooks and no signs asking you to remember to bring all prescriptions with you to your appointments. It was just a small, windowless room with shelves and a counter on one end. The drawers were labeled with various equipment and supplies. Chux in one drawer. Sodium Chloride in another drawer. IV supplies in another. There was a small bed in the center of the room and over in the corner was the machine that would take my baby away. I can't remember what the machine was called -- which is something I find so strange since my eyes were locked on that machine the entire time we waited for the procedure to start.
Ryan and I went into the room and sat on two plastic chairs while the nurse so gently explained what would happen. She told us that this was most likely due to a chromosomal abnormality in the baby and not anything I did. She told us that the odds of this happening again were very small. And she told us where our baby would be buried. It helps us tremendously to know that our baby will be buried in a holy place and not just thrown in the trash like a piece of garbage. She also gave Ryan and I each a medal to carry with us that says "In Loving Memory" on one side and a small poem on the other. It was so nice to be in an environment that treated our baby as an important little person who was loved and not just a "clump of cells".
Ryan was able to be in the room with me while they prepped me for the procedure. They started my IV, put a blood pressure cuff around my arm and they put the little "ET" monitor on my finger to measure my oxygen saturation level. They also hooked me up to a machine that monitored my heartrate and as they put the sensor over my heart, I immediately wondered if the machine would be able to tell that it was broken.
Once they had me prepped and Dr. came in to talk to me, Ryan had to step out and the procedure began. I remember her explaining what she was doing, but I was very far away. I laid there, staring up at the canister lights lit with energy-saving compact fluorescent bulbs. The one to the right of me was burned out and for some reason, my eyes were drawn to that one odd bulb the entire time... as if it was a symbol of the life that had burnt out inside of me.
The Dr. and the nurses were telling silly stories about children, although I do not remember what exactly they were about. I heard them from a distance, but I was busy having an important conversation with God and my little one. A conversation that even now, I can't put into words. It was purely a conversation to and from my heart.
When the procedure was over, and they were wheeling the cart out of the room, I craned my neck so I could watch it leave. When the nurse noticed I was looking, she seemed to purposely step in my way and I wanted to shout "Look out! I'm watching her go!" like I would watch my other children cross the street to make sure they arrived safely on the other side. I understand her desire to shield me, but it was something I needed to see and again, I was thankful that the amnesia medicine was not working.
Shortly after, Ryan was able to come back into the room and they monitored me for a bit before we were free to go. I still can't believe how fast it all went for something that will stay with me for a lifetime. And more.
And now that it's officially over, I sit here and type this and feel impatient with myself to "get over it". I feel like the outside world expects me to go back to "normal" when my life will forever be anything but. I think some people probably don't understand the loss I feel over a baby that was never even visible. And I fully realize that it could be worse.... I could have been 35 weeks pregnant and discovered then that my baby had passed away. I could have delivered my baby and then lost it an hour later. I could have had my baby, watched it grow to be an 18 year old who died in a car accident. But no matter how I try to rationalize it, my sadness remains. I had opened my heart to this new little one, and now the space that was once occupied by the promise of its future is left hollow and empty.
I know time will soften the wound. At least that's what I'm told. But for now, in the quiet moments throughout the day, my mind drifts to my little heaven-baby and reminds me of what I am missing.... and also what I have gained. My baby's life was very short by normal standards, but it's a life that has forever changed who I am as a person and one that has cemented my beliefs in what really is important in this life.
I was awake for the procedure but given medicine that was supposed to make me forget everything. The medicine didn't work, for which I am actually very grateful. It may sound strange, but I was afraid that if I had no memory of the events, it would be like I somehow wasn't there for our baby in the final moments she was on earth.
We got into the procedure room and immediately it had an empty feel to it. Like the room itself knew what its purpose was and it was ashamed to fulfill its duties. There were no pictures of flowers on the walls or calendars to make follow-up appointments. There were no mirrors with clothes hooks and no signs asking you to remember to bring all prescriptions with you to your appointments. It was just a small, windowless room with shelves and a counter on one end. The drawers were labeled with various equipment and supplies. Chux in one drawer. Sodium Chloride in another drawer. IV supplies in another. There was a small bed in the center of the room and over in the corner was the machine that would take my baby away. I can't remember what the machine was called -- which is something I find so strange since my eyes were locked on that machine the entire time we waited for the procedure to start.
Ryan and I went into the room and sat on two plastic chairs while the nurse so gently explained what would happen. She told us that this was most likely due to a chromosomal abnormality in the baby and not anything I did. She told us that the odds of this happening again were very small. And she told us where our baby would be buried. It helps us tremendously to know that our baby will be buried in a holy place and not just thrown in the trash like a piece of garbage. She also gave Ryan and I each a medal to carry with us that says "In Loving Memory" on one side and a small poem on the other. It was so nice to be in an environment that treated our baby as an important little person who was loved and not just a "clump of cells".
Ryan was able to be in the room with me while they prepped me for the procedure. They started my IV, put a blood pressure cuff around my arm and they put the little "ET" monitor on my finger to measure my oxygen saturation level. They also hooked me up to a machine that monitored my heartrate and as they put the sensor over my heart, I immediately wondered if the machine would be able to tell that it was broken.
Once they had me prepped and Dr. came in to talk to me, Ryan had to step out and the procedure began. I remember her explaining what she was doing, but I was very far away. I laid there, staring up at the canister lights lit with energy-saving compact fluorescent bulbs. The one to the right of me was burned out and for some reason, my eyes were drawn to that one odd bulb the entire time... as if it was a symbol of the life that had burnt out inside of me.
The Dr. and the nurses were telling silly stories about children, although I do not remember what exactly they were about. I heard them from a distance, but I was busy having an important conversation with God and my little one. A conversation that even now, I can't put into words. It was purely a conversation to and from my heart.
When the procedure was over, and they were wheeling the cart out of the room, I craned my neck so I could watch it leave. When the nurse noticed I was looking, she seemed to purposely step in my way and I wanted to shout "Look out! I'm watching her go!" like I would watch my other children cross the street to make sure they arrived safely on the other side. I understand her desire to shield me, but it was something I needed to see and again, I was thankful that the amnesia medicine was not working.
Shortly after, Ryan was able to come back into the room and they monitored me for a bit before we were free to go. I still can't believe how fast it all went for something that will stay with me for a lifetime. And more.
And now that it's officially over, I sit here and type this and feel impatient with myself to "get over it". I feel like the outside world expects me to go back to "normal" when my life will forever be anything but. I think some people probably don't understand the loss I feel over a baby that was never even visible. And I fully realize that it could be worse.... I could have been 35 weeks pregnant and discovered then that my baby had passed away. I could have delivered my baby and then lost it an hour later. I could have had my baby, watched it grow to be an 18 year old who died in a car accident. But no matter how I try to rationalize it, my sadness remains. I had opened my heart to this new little one, and now the space that was once occupied by the promise of its future is left hollow and empty.
I know time will soften the wound. At least that's what I'm told. But for now, in the quiet moments throughout the day, my mind drifts to my little heaven-baby and reminds me of what I am missing.... and also what I have gained. My baby's life was very short by normal standards, but it's a life that has forever changed who I am as a person and one that has cemented my beliefs in what really is important in this life.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Shrine of the Holy Innocents
There is a church in New York city that has an area of the church dedicated to those babies who have passed away unborn. It is called the The Shrine of the Holy Innocents. Every first Monday of the month, a special mass is said for those babies and their families. We have decided we would like our baby to be remembered in this special way and in doing so, have chosen the name Elizabeth Ryan for our little one.
Not only is Elizabeth my late grandmother's name, it is also the name of St. Elizabeth of Schonau who's feast day is June 18th, the day our little one will be born into heaven.
Elizabeth Ryan Hansen
April 24, 2010 - June 18, 2010
Not only is Elizabeth my late grandmother's name, it is also the name of St. Elizabeth of Schonau who's feast day is June 18th, the day our little one will be born into heaven.
Elizabeth Ryan Hansen
April 24, 2010 - June 18, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dear Baby: 9weeks, 4days
Dear Baby,
This will be the last post I will be writing to you. I just found out today that we lost you very, very early on. For some reason, my body just doesn't want to let you go yet. My heart doesn't either.
In the short time we had with you, we were already so looking forward to your arrival. Your brothers and sisters were so excited to meet you too. They would argue if you were going to be a boy or a girl. You were our tie-breaker baby and now it looks like we won't know who won until someday we meet again in heaven.
I'm so sorry baby. I know they say that it wasn't anything I did and that it was probably due to a chromosomal abnormality. Some people even say that this may be a "good thing" because you were maybe going to be less than perfect. But we would have loved you anyway. I want you to know that.
I didn't expect it to be this hard.... you see, right from the beginning, I worried about you. Something just felt "different". A mom's intuition is a powerful thing. I was silently bracing myself for this moment from very early, but I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought. I hurt. Alot.
I once heard another mom say about losing her baby: "Our goal as Christian parents is to help our children find their way into heaven. Well, I can say that I succeeded in getting one baby there." I am trying to cling to that thought. I'm trying to think of you there, beautiful, happy and in the arms of Jesus. And I never even had to scold you once to get you there!
So, rest well little one. Keep watch over us and know that you will never be forgotten.
All my love,
Mommy
This will be the last post I will be writing to you. I just found out today that we lost you very, very early on. For some reason, my body just doesn't want to let you go yet. My heart doesn't either.
In the short time we had with you, we were already so looking forward to your arrival. Your brothers and sisters were so excited to meet you too. They would argue if you were going to be a boy or a girl. You were our tie-breaker baby and now it looks like we won't know who won until someday we meet again in heaven.
I'm so sorry baby. I know they say that it wasn't anything I did and that it was probably due to a chromosomal abnormality. Some people even say that this may be a "good thing" because you were maybe going to be less than perfect. But we would have loved you anyway. I want you to know that.
I didn't expect it to be this hard.... you see, right from the beginning, I worried about you. Something just felt "different". A mom's intuition is a powerful thing. I was silently bracing myself for this moment from very early, but I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought. I hurt. Alot.
I once heard another mom say about losing her baby: "Our goal as Christian parents is to help our children find their way into heaven. Well, I can say that I succeeded in getting one baby there." I am trying to cling to that thought. I'm trying to think of you there, beautiful, happy and in the arms of Jesus. And I never even had to scold you once to get you there!
So, rest well little one. Keep watch over us and know that you will never be forgotten.
All my love,
Mommy
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Dear Baby: 8weeks 0days
Dear Baby,
Well, the news is out about you! We've told all our friends and have told each of our employers, so we're finally able to talk freely about you.... I've even "back-posted" the posts I've been writing along the way.
I've been having occasional bouts of nausea now so that is reassuring. It's so funny that pregnancy is the only time that anyone would "feel better" being sick. So far though, you've been very easy on mommy's tummy, so thank you. I just have to make sure that I eat pretty constantly.... which will mean great things when it comes time to step on the scale.
On a side note, your brothers and sisters have started talking to you already. Apparently they think you are very muffled in there because they shout at the top of their lungs at my belly. I apologize in advance for the volume of the family you will be joining. Ear plugs are available upon request.
All my love,
Mommy
Well, the news is out about you! We've told all our friends and have told each of our employers, so we're finally able to talk freely about you.... I've even "back-posted" the posts I've been writing along the way.
I've been having occasional bouts of nausea now so that is reassuring. It's so funny that pregnancy is the only time that anyone would "feel better" being sick. So far though, you've been very easy on mommy's tummy, so thank you. I just have to make sure that I eat pretty constantly.... which will mean great things when it comes time to step on the scale.
On a side note, your brothers and sisters have started talking to you already. Apparently they think you are very muffled in there because they shout at the top of their lungs at my belly. I apologize in advance for the volume of the family you will be joining. Ear plugs are available upon request.
All my love,
Mommy
Friday, May 28, 2010
Kiss it and Make it Better
I thought that I had long ago outgrown the magic of "kiss it and make it better." But this morning, when I hurt myself and Mason said "Don't worry mama, I'll kiss it", and planted a big wet one on my cheek, I really did feel all better.
Thank you God for small moments like these.... these are truly the BIG moments.
Thank you God for small moments like these.... these are truly the BIG moments.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Dear Baby: 6weeks 4days
Dear Baby,
I know I really shouldn't be saying this, but I'm wishing for a little morning sickness with you. It's still early, but I'm getting nervous that I don't feel ill 24/7 as per my usual pregnancies. If all is well with you, I should be thanking the high heavens for the morning sickness reprieve, but gosh, it's just so out of the norm for me that I can't help worrying. Are you OK in there baby?
We have our first appointment on June 14th and by then we'll be 9 weeks and some odd change. Hopefully we'll be able to hear your little heartbeat on the portable ultrasound machine. That always makes me feel better.
In the meantime, I hope you are finding your surroundings satisfactory and don't mind the occasional sugar rush from the oreo cookies I've been craving.
All my love,
Mommy
I know I really shouldn't be saying this, but I'm wishing for a little morning sickness with you. It's still early, but I'm getting nervous that I don't feel ill 24/7 as per my usual pregnancies. If all is well with you, I should be thanking the high heavens for the morning sickness reprieve, but gosh, it's just so out of the norm for me that I can't help worrying. Are you OK in there baby?
We have our first appointment on June 14th and by then we'll be 9 weeks and some odd change. Hopefully we'll be able to hear your little heartbeat on the portable ultrasound machine. That always makes me feel better.
In the meantime, I hope you are finding your surroundings satisfactory and don't mind the occasional sugar rush from the oreo cookies I've been craving.
All my love,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dear Baby: 5weeks 4days
Dear Baby,
I am so tired!! I have really no other symptoms yet, but gosh, in the afternoon, I just can't seem to keep my eyes open. I fantasize about laying down in bed all day and collapse with relief at night.
I have to remember to take a pic of my belly this weekend! For all of the kiddos, I've always wanted to take photos once a month of my growing belly, but we've never managed to do it. I figure fifth times a charm, right?
Found out something cool about name possibilities the other day. From the beginning, if you turn out to be a boy, daddy wants to name you Owen. I was like, OK that's nice, but what does Owen mean? Turns out it means "born of nobility" and "strong warrior" or something like that. Of course that made daddy like the name even more! :) But me being me, I had to see if there were any St. Owens..... there are! AND the feast day for one of them is January 6th, which is the day you will likely be born. So, guess what, if you're a boy, you will most likely be named Owen. Owen Ryan Hansen. I like that.
However, if you're a girl, we still have some work to do. :)
I am so tired!! I have really no other symptoms yet, but gosh, in the afternoon, I just can't seem to keep my eyes open. I fantasize about laying down in bed all day and collapse with relief at night.
I have to remember to take a pic of my belly this weekend! For all of the kiddos, I've always wanted to take photos once a month of my growing belly, but we've never managed to do it. I figure fifth times a charm, right?
Found out something cool about name possibilities the other day. From the beginning, if you turn out to be a boy, daddy wants to name you Owen. I was like, OK that's nice, but what does Owen mean? Turns out it means "born of nobility" and "strong warrior" or something like that. Of course that made daddy like the name even more! :) But me being me, I had to see if there were any St. Owens..... there are! AND the feast day for one of them is January 6th, which is the day you will likely be born. So, guess what, if you're a boy, you will most likely be named Owen. Owen Ryan Hansen. I like that.
However, if you're a girl, we still have some work to do. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Dear Baby: 4weeks 5days
Dear Baby,
Hooray you did it!! You doubled the numbers for us... our hCG levels are now at 129. So, you more than doubled in 48 hours. That's very good news for us... I can breathe again!
Obviously, you're still very tiny, but guess what? Today at your ripe old age of 19 days from conception, your heart should be beginning to beat. In 2 more days, it will be pumping blood through your own closed circulatory system. You're doing amazing things already! :)
Never forget how much you are loved,
Mommy
Hooray you did it!! You doubled the numbers for us... our hCG levels are now at 129. So, you more than doubled in 48 hours. That's very good news for us... I can breathe again!
Obviously, you're still very tiny, but guess what? Today at your ripe old age of 19 days from conception, your heart should be beginning to beat. In 2 more days, it will be pumping blood through your own closed circulatory system. You're doing amazing things already! :)
Never forget how much you are loved,
Mommy
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dear Baby: 4weeks 3days
Dear Baby,
You sure know how to get mommy and daddy's attention already!! Had my numbers checked this morning and you're definitely keeping things on the "down-low".... hCG numbers were only at 57 and you have us worried sick. We love you so much already and have been busy making "plans" for your arrival. (I know, I know, I thought we were supposed to stop "planning".) We're just starting to think about where you will sleep and what kind of vehicle we will need, and what your name will be. :)
Your arrival was a surprise, but it was such a welcome surprise... We are already picturing our family with you in it. To think of our family without you makes me incredibly sad. So please hang in there for mommy. We go in again on Thursday to check the numbers so I am really praying that we will receive good news.
I am asking your guardian angel to watch over you until I am able to hold you in my arms myself.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
You sure know how to get mommy and daddy's attention already!! Had my numbers checked this morning and you're definitely keeping things on the "down-low".... hCG numbers were only at 57 and you have us worried sick. We love you so much already and have been busy making "plans" for your arrival. (I know, I know, I thought we were supposed to stop "planning".) We're just starting to think about where you will sleep and what kind of vehicle we will need, and what your name will be. :)
Your arrival was a surprise, but it was such a welcome surprise... We are already picturing our family with you in it. To think of our family without you makes me incredibly sad. So please hang in there for mommy. We go in again on Thursday to check the numbers so I am really praying that we will receive good news.
I am asking your guardian angel to watch over you until I am able to hold you in my arms myself.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
Friday, May 7, 2010
Surprise!!
Just when you think you've got life under control, God throws you a curveball to wake you up and remind you that there is no such thing as "control" over this life. Everything is OF Him, BY Him and FOR Him. How humbling to be reminded of that. And how AWESOME that He used a precious new life to remind us of that and NOT an unexpected tragedy!!! God is so good.
Of course another baby was not in our family's plans at the moment... but that's the whole point, isn't it? We chose a long time ago to give our lives to God and honestly -- sadly -- we had forgotten that. We got into planning for our house remodeling, planning for vacations, planning for this and planning for that and we totally forgot that God is the author of all life and that we need to LISTEN MORE and PLAN LESS.
Of course there's the logistical things like: Where will another baby sleep? How will we fit 5 carseats in our car? Whatever are we going to do about the name of this blog because we will clearly not be a half dozen any longer?!?!?!? Those are the things that are weighing heavy on our minds right now. But those worries fade into the background when we think about meeting another new little person that we co-created with God. Will it be a boy or a girl? What color hair will it have? Will it have Samantha's nurturing personality or Emily's unflinching confidence? Maybe it will have Mason's insatiable curiosity or Ben's determination. How can we not love and look forward to meeting another new little person?
We know there will be talk. We know there will be fears for us. But please know this: if we are OK with it, we pray you will be too. God has always provided so well for our family and we know that He will continue to do so.
So here's to our new Baby Hansen!! We can't wait to meet you little one!!
Of course another baby was not in our family's plans at the moment... but that's the whole point, isn't it? We chose a long time ago to give our lives to God and honestly -- sadly -- we had forgotten that. We got into planning for our house remodeling, planning for vacations, planning for this and planning for that and we totally forgot that God is the author of all life and that we need to LISTEN MORE and PLAN LESS.
Of course there's the logistical things like: Where will another baby sleep? How will we fit 5 carseats in our car? Whatever are we going to do about the name of this blog because we will clearly not be a half dozen any longer?!?!?!? Those are the things that are weighing heavy on our minds right now. But those worries fade into the background when we think about meeting another new little person that we co-created with God. Will it be a boy or a girl? What color hair will it have? Will it have Samantha's nurturing personality or Emily's unflinching confidence? Maybe it will have Mason's insatiable curiosity or Ben's determination. How can we not love and look forward to meeting another new little person?
We know there will be talk. We know there will be fears for us. But please know this: if we are OK with it, we pray you will be too. God has always provided so well for our family and we know that He will continue to do so.
So here's to our new Baby Hansen!! We can't wait to meet you little one!!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Why God?
I'm sure all of us at one time or another have heard tragic, sad stories either in real life or on the news and have thought "Why God?" Why did that person or family get the short straw?
But lately, I've been looking at my blessed, full life and wondering the very same question: Why God? Why do we get to be so lucky?
I have so many people in my life that have either lost a baby shortly after birth, lost a baby in utero, or have not been able to have a baby at all. I know people who's family is touched by terminal illness and those who's parents have passed away way too early; People who are struggling to make ends meet and people who have lost jobs.
WHY NOT US?
I sure don't want to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth, but it's almost like sometimes I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will it be our turn and what will it be? What horrible thing will effect our family that literally drops me to my knees and steals my breath away?
I'm not trying to be dramatic or morbid, but I just look around us and am continually amazed by how much God has given us; How much we have to be truly thankful for. Yes, my kids are noisy and rambunctious, but that's because they are physically ABLE to be! Yes, my kids are constantly yelling "Mommy! Mama! MOMMY!" because they need something, but they are HERE with me. Yes, my husband works long hours and is many times (understandably!) too exhausted at the end of the day to "hang out" with me, but he's got a secure job that he ENJOYS and he provides so well for us.
How blessed are we??
So this Sunday morning, as I sit at the computer while my 5 blessings are still sleeping, I am once again asking "Why God?" Although I'm quickly following it up with a "Don't change a thing God!" Life is good!!
But lately, I've been looking at my blessed, full life and wondering the very same question: Why God? Why do we get to be so lucky?
I have so many people in my life that have either lost a baby shortly after birth, lost a baby in utero, or have not been able to have a baby at all. I know people who's family is touched by terminal illness and those who's parents have passed away way too early; People who are struggling to make ends meet and people who have lost jobs.
WHY NOT US?
I sure don't want to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth, but it's almost like sometimes I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will it be our turn and what will it be? What horrible thing will effect our family that literally drops me to my knees and steals my breath away?
I'm not trying to be dramatic or morbid, but I just look around us and am continually amazed by how much God has given us; How much we have to be truly thankful for. Yes, my kids are noisy and rambunctious, but that's because they are physically ABLE to be! Yes, my kids are constantly yelling "Mommy! Mama! MOMMY!" because they need something, but they are HERE with me. Yes, my husband works long hours and is many times (understandably!) too exhausted at the end of the day to "hang out" with me, but he's got a secure job that he ENJOYS and he provides so well for us.
How blessed are we??
So this Sunday morning, as I sit at the computer while my 5 blessings are still sleeping, I am once again asking "Why God?" Although I'm quickly following it up with a "Don't change a thing God!" Life is good!!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Just Updating
Gosh, I haven't been very good at keeping up with this thing. Our family is pretty busy these days... home renovations are underway -- which means that the kitchen is perpetually a disaster; and the weather is warmer now -- which means the kids constantly want to be outside, preventing me from getting any work done. Right now, staring at me are 3 loads of unfolded laundry, probably a good 4 more in the laundry room, a heaping pile of paperwork to be gone through, and dishes to be done and yet, here I sit... deciding to update the blog instead. Priorities, right??
On top of all that, poor Ben has been sick since March. Just can't clear up his chest and head and we've been fighting an ear infection. Ryan took him in to the Dr. this morning and the little guy now has pneumonia and a double ear infection! No wonder he hasn't been sleeping at night again!
The girls are eagerly anticipating the end of the school year and just had their first tap dance class. Oh boy are those shoes loud!!! They're so proud of themselves though so mommy and daddy tolerate the noise.
And Mason is incredibly excited that the lawn-mowing season is upon us. He just loves Ryan's riding lawn mower. Sometimes, I will find him in the garage just sitting on it, grinning from ear to ear. He's a piece of work. :)
I think that's going to have to be all for now. A little bit of a "generic" post, but I felt like I wanted to at least get something out here in blogland. Plus I have all that laundry to attend to.....
On top of all that, poor Ben has been sick since March. Just can't clear up his chest and head and we've been fighting an ear infection. Ryan took him in to the Dr. this morning and the little guy now has pneumonia and a double ear infection! No wonder he hasn't been sleeping at night again!
The girls are eagerly anticipating the end of the school year and just had their first tap dance class. Oh boy are those shoes loud!!! They're so proud of themselves though so mommy and daddy tolerate the noise.
And Mason is incredibly excited that the lawn-mowing season is upon us. He just loves Ryan's riding lawn mower. Sometimes, I will find him in the garage just sitting on it, grinning from ear to ear. He's a piece of work. :)
I think that's going to have to be all for now. A little bit of a "generic" post, but I felt like I wanted to at least get something out here in blogland. Plus I have all that laundry to attend to.....
Monday, March 1, 2010
Crowding
So the girls just got out of bed.
This has become a nightly occurrence. It goes like this: Samantha comes out first complaining that Emily is crowding her. Emily is right on her heels saying that she is scared and so she needs to snuggle up next to Sammy. I try and explain all this to Samantha while ensuring Emily that there is nothing to be scared of. With some more gentle prodding, they head off back to bed and when I check on them 5 minutes later, they will both be sleeping.... Samantha curled on her side and Emily snuggled up right next to her with her arm over her sister. It is the sweetest thing.
I only wish I could bottle that love and haul it out and sprinkle it on them when someday they are 15 and 16 and can't stand to be in the same room with each other.
This has become a nightly occurrence. It goes like this: Samantha comes out first complaining that Emily is crowding her. Emily is right on her heels saying that she is scared and so she needs to snuggle up next to Sammy. I try and explain all this to Samantha while ensuring Emily that there is nothing to be scared of. With some more gentle prodding, they head off back to bed and when I check on them 5 minutes later, they will both be sleeping.... Samantha curled on her side and Emily snuggled up right next to her with her arm over her sister. It is the sweetest thing.
I only wish I could bottle that love and haul it out and sprinkle it on them when someday they are 15 and 16 and can't stand to be in the same room with each other.
Friday, February 5, 2010
And then there were 5
So, Ryan has now been out of town for 2 weeks straight and I think we are starting to slowly fall apart. :) Samantha is weepy. Emily is combative. Mason is belligerent. And Benjamin is inconsolable.
When we're busy, we're OK. The mornings go smoothly, dinner time and bed time go very well. When we have a routine, we're fine. But when we are just home here by ourselves, most the time I have at least 2 of them crying at one time. So far, I haven't joined them though so that's a good thing.
I just feel so bad for the kids. I try and explain to them when Daddy is coming home and Ryan calls each night to talk to them, but I can tell they are all just out of sorts. It is impossible for them to understand why he's not coming home for so long.
But we've done some fun things together. I rented a movie for them last Friday night and we popped popcorn and sat down together and laughed at a Veggie Tales movie. Then on Saturday we went to the pet store to check out the animals and then I let them ride those little rides in the hallway of the Northland Mall. We were quite a noisy group, but I let them giggle and squeal till their hearts content. Tomorrow I think I'm going to take them to the Environmental Center and check out all the animals. Maybe we'll even get some snowman building in.
I think the below picture kind of sums up our last few weeks though. We are all exhausted and desperately clinging to one another for love and support. Come home soon daddy!!
When we're busy, we're OK. The mornings go smoothly, dinner time and bed time go very well. When we have a routine, we're fine. But when we are just home here by ourselves, most the time I have at least 2 of them crying at one time. So far, I haven't joined them though so that's a good thing.
I just feel so bad for the kids. I try and explain to them when Daddy is coming home and Ryan calls each night to talk to them, but I can tell they are all just out of sorts. It is impossible for them to understand why he's not coming home for so long.
But we've done some fun things together. I rented a movie for them last Friday night and we popped popcorn and sat down together and laughed at a Veggie Tales movie. Then on Saturday we went to the pet store to check out the animals and then I let them ride those little rides in the hallway of the Northland Mall. We were quite a noisy group, but I let them giggle and squeal till their hearts content. Tomorrow I think I'm going to take them to the Environmental Center and check out all the animals. Maybe we'll even get some snowman building in.
I think the below picture kind of sums up our last few weeks though. We are all exhausted and desperately clinging to one another for love and support. Come home soon daddy!!
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