I'm just 'bleh' these days and frankly, I'm tired of the funk I'm in. I know that this is probably fairly normal, but I just cannot stand myself and my mood. I'm used to being a pretty positive person and am usually able to find the silver lining in any situation, but...... BLEH!!!
I feel like when my mind is busy and I am in "auto-pilot" mode throughout the day, I am OK. But the minute my brain gets still, all I can think about is how sad I am. And how lonely. Which is completely and utterly insane since I have not had a quiet moment to myself since the year 2003!! (OK, I exaggerate, but still.)
I think the sadness is most likely made worse by the fact that I don't think we will be trying again. I really feel like this was "it". On the one hand, I just want to quickly get pregnant again so that we can "erase" these last 3 months and pick up right where we left off. I could see some healing coming from that. But on the other hand, is that a good, moral reason to have another baby? It's not like having another baby would bring back the baby we lost.
It's just tough being in this state of "unknown". And that's the chronic planner in me coming out again. Poor God. I can just picture Him up there banging His head against a wall wondering if I am EVER going to get it. Alas, likely not.
So, for now I'm back to BLEH and gray clouds, but am hoping for partly sunny tomorrows.
Sorry you are feeling BLEH and that the skies are grey. I get it and I am sending hugs and a ray of sunshine your way. Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteAnd I just have to say that your comment about God banging his head against the wall made me giggle. Not that anything you said is a laughing matter, by any means, I hope you get that, but it was just the mental picture I got and I couldn't help it. I am sure I have caused many a bruises on his forehead as well!!!
I'm glad I made you chuckle.... I didn't want the post to be a TOTAL downer. :) And thanks for the pep talk Jaime. Love you!
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