What To Say To An Overdue Pregnant Woman If You Want Her To Put You In a Choke Hold

1. "You're STILL pregnant?"
No. I actually had the baby and stuffed it under the bed for safe-keeping. This belly is just a result of my post-pregnancy sushi and margarita binge.

2. "You look so uncomfortable."
Really? Because I think that having a watermelon sized human being pressed against my internal organs is rather comfortable. Especially when I bend over or try to pry myself up out of a chair. THAT is the best.

3. "What are you going to do?"
Well, I figure I'll give it about another 24 hours and then I'll just start pushin'. Going to evict this tenant like the beer-bellied slouch who forgets to pay rent on time.

4. "Oh my gosh, you're so BIG. You look like you're about to pop!"
What a coincidence! I AM about to pop... about to pop you one in the nose.

5. "Have you tried (fill in the blank here with any old wives' tale induction technique)?"
No, I have NOT been spending every waking hour on Google searching for ancient Guatemalan medicine women's techniques to bring on labor. Who would be that desperate?
 
6. "Do you think you'll go into labor soon?"
{crickets chirping}