The Parenting Divide

It finally happened. After eight and a half years of marriage and seven and a half years of parenting, Ryan and I are starting to see differences in our parenting philosophies. And it is a truly good thing!

Ryan tends to rule with an iron fist. As he says, there are no grey areas, only black and white. What he says goes, and there is no negotiating or questioning. He views parenthood as a dictatorship if you will.

I tend to parent more on the laid-back side, using the family structure as a classroom. I try to only say "no" if I am really ready to fight whatever battle I choose to fight. I love the teaching principle of "natural consequences" and use it as often as possible.

For example, the other day, Mason didn't want to get his socks and boots on in order to leave to bring the girls to school. Now, I could have fought him on this issue and forced him to get them on. Ryan admittedly says he would have done exactly that. However, I let him go without the socks and boots.

He cried the entire time, saying his feet were too cold. I kindly pointed out to him that his feet wouldn't be cold if he would have put the socks and boots on. Natural consequences.

Another area where we disagree is regarding food. Food is just something I refuse to make an issue of. I figure, if a kid is truly hungry, he or she will eat. So, rather than make the child sit there and "clean their plate", if they don't eat, they get down and don't get anything until the next snack or meal time. And then if I'm feeling particularly mean, I make them eat the food they left behind before they get anything else.

Ryan HATES that I do this. He believes that meal time is meal time and rather than listen to a crying, whining child say they are hungry later on, they are required to eat at meal time.

But all of this disagreement is so good for Ryan and me in terms of our parenting skills and for our children. I believe kids need BOTH types of parenting. Some kids need more of one kind than the other!  :)  Our different parenting styles make Ryan and me question our motives. It keeps us from slipping in to lazy parenting, and a "one size fits all" mentality. It makes me aware of times where I need to be tougher and makes Ryan realize that sometimes, it's just not worth the fight. It also teaches the children how to engage with different personalities and types of authority figures.

Our goal is to raise children who are able to think through their actions and make the correct decisions because they know that is the right thing to do, not simply because someone told them to do it. But in the same breath, we want them to understand that there is a time and place where their opinion is of no consequence.

Hopefully, with our two parenting styles meshing, we will achieve our goals without our children spending too much time on a therapist's couch.  :)